Piccolo's Headache
by Lordessa
Summary: What happens when Piccolo meets an obsessed saiyin female that failed to make it on the show because she's a moron and stupider than Goku?


A/N: Letta is a made-up character, who may be recognized as the director of The Goku and Vegeta Variety Hour! I'm warning you, I wrote this at 11:21 on a school night, when I wasn't quite thinking right. It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever written, and that's saying A LOT! It makes no sense at all, but I like picking on the tougher characters of DBZ... unfortunately, this really wasn't worth the effort.  
  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be writing fanfics about it! Or would I?  
  
Dedicated to all of you out there who hate me! Seriously, this one's for you!  
  
  
Piccolo's Headache  
  
*Oh Piccolo, if only you knew what I had in store for you today!* Letta thought happily to herself. Oh yes, everything was set and ready. She had put Lordess in charge of Goku and Vegeta's show today, and all of her other projects were put on hold. She had taken the day off, just for this. The young Saiyin stopped, took her backpack off her one shoulder, and brought it around to face her. She unzipped it, and checked on all the contents, they were all here. It never hurts to check twice.   
She was in the middle of large, dark woods, searching for the object of her affection. She skipped merrily, and refrained herself from whistling, lest he should be near, and she should pain his sensitive ears. She couldn't bear to cause him any unnecessary pain. She tried to concentrate hard on locating his ki, but it was hard when she was so excited! -_- Suddenly, she focused in on it, and without thinking, she rushed towards it, as fast as she could. When she came close enough to the source, she was in a clearing, and then she got hit with an energy blast.  
Her vision was hazy, and someone was standing over her. She blinked a few times, then her eyes started to focus. She was looking up at a scowling Namekian. She was also lying on her back. The blast must've knocked her out for a few seconds, but if it came from Piccolo, she could never be angry. She noted how angry he looked.  
"What do you want?" he sneered.  
"Actually, I was looking for you! I'm glad I found you!" she jumped up, landing on her fight, like she hadn't just been out cold due to a collision with a ki blast. Completely perky, she was, which threw the poor Namekian off guard. She smiled sweetly up at him, and without warning, grabbed his wrist and started dragging him over to a large, nearby rock.  
"What are you doing?!" he yelled, and tore his wrist out of her grasp. *Hmmm, I see this is going to be more difficult than it should be, but that's what I love about him! He won't be pushed around!* she thought to herself. Her hands dove into her jacket pockets, and she spun around. She looked at him innocently, and he looked somewhat disgusted. As her hands wrapped around two circular objects, in her pockets, she took a step towards him. He backed away.  
"What's the matter? Are you afraid of me?" Letta furrowed her eyebrows and frowned.  
"I don't trust you," he stated. So simple, yet it gets the point across. Letta didn't hesitate, with more speed than the Namek thought she had, she leapt at him, and slapped the circular objects on his wrists, and he could feel them bore into his skin, but the pain lasted only a very brief moment. Immediately, his power lever dropped to about five.  
"What the...?!" he yelled, and jumped back.  
"Oh, don't worry! They're just ki blocks!" she sang. He looked at her, wide-eyed, and angry. She playfully punched him in the shoulder, which knocked him over, making him even angrier.  
"Oh! I'm sorry! Are you all right?" she ran to his side and began checking him over for injuries. He was fine, but he was boiling mad. She let out a sigh of relief, and picked him up, and carried him over to a nearby tree, enjoying the feel of his skin against hers. As carefully as she could, the young Saiyin set him down, and reached into her backpack. Pulling out a length of rope, she started by pressing Piccolo against the tree, and reaching the rope around him, and around the tree. After wrapping it around several times, she secured her handy work with a skilled knot. The entire process took mere seconds, because she was trying to go rapidly, so as not to keep him waiting. When she was done, she stepped back to admire what she had done. Piccolo's face was purple with rage.  
"I 'spose you're wondering what I'm planning to do. Well, you'll see, in just a few moments. Don't be angry, I only did this for your own good, because I knew you wouldn't cooperate. I'll let you go as soon as we're done, and you can go back to your training so you can become nice and strong... although you're already pretty nice if you know what I mean..." she smiled, but one look at his face, told her that he didn't know what she meant, and that he really didn't care. He was struggling against the ropes, trying to free himself.  
"Another thing, ki blocks reduce the wearer's ki to about five, so you shouldn't hold any high hopes of getting out of there until you're let out," she explained. He growled at her, but it seemed as though she didn't notice. Immediately, Letta went to work. She walked about ten feet from here she had Piccolo tied up, and began sorting through her backpack. After a few moments of searching, she brought out a capsule, pressed down on the top, and tossed it to her side. A poofy cloud of gray smoke appeared, and then disappeared to reveal a puppet stage.  
Piccolo didn't know what it was, but he knew he wasn't going to like it. The deep red of the curtains made him uneasy, for some reason. Like this was a thing of evil, but he wasn't too far off. He pulled against his restraints more desperately, but they only pulled back, and bit into his flesh. He growled in pain, but he didn't stop. He would get out of this, even if it killed him!  
"The more you struggle, the more it's going to hurt," Letta said. She had by now, gone behind the stage, and was pulling odd-looking fabric creations from her bag, and laying them out, in a neat little row. When she was done, she pushed a button on a tape player that was built into the stage. Corny music of a piano playing scratched out of it as she put the put the fabric over her hands, and ducked her head below the stage as she pulled back the curtains.  
Piccolo jerked his head up, and stopped struggling when the music assailed his ears. He could hear loud rustling coming from behind the stage and the sinister curtains pulled to either side, to reveal: SOCK PUPPETS! The bewildered Namek could do nothing but stare as the play started. There were two puppets, a green one with pointy ears and antennae, it didn't take him long to figure out who it was supposed to be, and another one with skin the same color as Letta's, that looked sort of like Letta. He assumed it was Letta. -_-  
The green puppet spoke first, in a deep voice, or as deep as Letta could go. It was a puppet that needed to die, Piccolo decided. The puppeteer would also need to die.   
"Hello Letta, how are you this fine day?" the green puppet said.  
"I am delightful, and you?" the Letta puppet said, in a higher voice than the real Letta had.  
"I am delightful as well."  
"Delightful," the Letta puppet said.  
"Yes, it is."   
"Yes indeedy." It was at this point that Piccolo started to wish that he would die. It didn't happen, and he cursed Dende for it.  
"So, Letta, what are you doing today."  
"I have no plans."  
"Well, would you like to marry me?" The Piccolo puppet asked, causing the real Piccolo to nearly bust a blood vessel in his brain.  
"I would be delighted!"  
"STOP SAYING DELIGHTED!" Piccolo yelled, starting his struggle against the ropes again.  
"Fine! I use a different word!" Letta yelled back, annoyance tinting her voice. Apparently, it was time for a new scene, because a puppet reached up, and pulled on the bottom edge of a new background, which looked suspiciously like a church... a crowded church... at a wedding. Then, the Piccolo puppet went below the stage for a moment, and when it came back up, something lacey was in its mouth, which it then placed on the Letta puppet's head. Apparently, the lacey thing was a veil. This was getting sad. Very sad. Then, the sound of someone humming the wedding song reached the Namek's ears, while the two puppets hopped around.   
"Oh Letta, this is the happiest day of my life!"  
"I know, Piccolo." A new puppet, on a stick rose up, dressed like a priest.   
"You know that your impression of yourself sounds nothing like you, don't you?" Piccolo yelled.  
"Shut up!" the real Letta yelled back. Then, the priest puppet spoke.  
"Do you, Piccolo, take Letta to be you lawfully wedded wife?"  
"I do," the Piccolo puppet hopped.  
"And do you, Letta, take Piccolo to be your lawfully wedded husband?"  
"I do," the Letta puppet shook. A groan could be heard from the Namek at this point.  
"You may now kiss the bride," the priest puppet said. The Letta and Piccolo puppet moved towards each other for the kiss, but it looked like they were eating each other. Suddenly, a couple of loud snapping sounds could be heard, that caused Letta to look above the stage. Piccolo had torn off his arms and snapped his ropes off.   
"Shit!" Letta shrieked. He was already regenerating, and Letta struggled to get to puppets off her hands and into her backpack. She re-capsuled the stage, and grabbed her bag, stuffing the capsule into it, and taking off as fast as she could, into the air.   
Unfortunately for her, it wasn't fast enough, and she soon felt a powerful fist slam into the back of her head, sending her spiraling forward. She crashed into a tree, and fell to the ground, letting go of her backpack. In seconds, the Namek was there, pounding fists into her, faster than she could block. Before long, she couldn't even see straight. To finish off his assault, Piccolo shot a special beam cannon at her. After that, he was pretty sure she was dead, so he flew off.   
  
During the next five hours, Letta regained and lost consciousness twenty-seven times. She didn't walk right for a week after, even after Goku gave her a senzu bean. Vegeta spent his time making fun of her, and Piccolo got mad at himself for not checking more carefully to see that she was dead. After all, you don't put on a puppet show for him, then tie him up and force him to watch it! Especially cheap sock puppets!   
  
  
  
  
A/N: Someday, I'm just gonna' smack my head against a wall, and scrape my hands against the dorsal fins of numerous perch... REPEATEDLY!  
  
A/O/N: For those of you who don't understand the perch thing, if you scrape your hands against a perch's dorsal fin, it hurts, because they're sharp, and they cut your skin easily.  
  
A/O/O/N: Yes, Letta is brain damaged, but it hasn't been proven in my case.  
  
A/O/O/O/N: The O's stand for other.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
